FINALLY!

one day, not too long ago, i was sitting at the dining room table working when i heard a sizzling noise. looking over, i saw smoke (SMOKE!) coming from my iphone.

and thus, it died.

which was really, really awful because i had all of these notes and pictures and lists and calendared events and organized ideas and contacts on there and now they were gone.

forever.

plus, i had to use a blackberry (A BLACKBERRY!) as a phone and not only was there no touch screen, fewer contacts and none of my pictures, but the little roller ball was not working. plus, compared to an iphone, it's lame.

lame, i tell you!

strings were pulled and my brother andrew (thanks andrew!) donated his upgrade to my lame and desperate iphone fund and now I HAVE A NEW IPHONE!!!

thank goodness for that. now i can do things like download an app called Talking Carl and twitter all my friends WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF BED.

love it.

beach

when i first started learning to shoot in manual, my ability to correctly shoot with the proper exposure was terrible. it's still not where it should be, but compared to back then? i'm amazing now. anyway, i'd read and read and read and i'd borrowed books from the library and i'd bought the books that my favorite experts recommended and now i was practicing, which is exactly what all the experts agreed was the best method to becoming a good photographer. so i practiced and i practiced and i posted and i posted and slowly, i saw signs of improvement, but mostly i felt really unsure and lost. but then, one day at the beach, it all came together. beautiful light, no sharp shadows covering the faces of my subjects, proper exposure--finally! and after that, it's like something clicked in my mind and i understood more clearly what i was doing.

now every time i go to the beach i'm reminded of that moment, and i want to take more pictures to remember that feeling of understanding.

sundowne farm

it's a surprisingly small house on a large piece of land with a sheep named lady lenore. i had come to sundowne farm to photograph it for two reasons: the first, the more boring, was to photograph the place for my friend, david, the realtor selling the place. the second, was to photograph the place so the children who had to sell the place could remember where'd they grown up. the elderly gentlemen who'd lived here most of his adult life had died recently.

as i wandered the home and the surrounding property, i thought about the man who'd lived here. i saw his marriage certificate, i saw a picture of his marine corps unit from the second world war. i turned the pages of his bible, read his words of his faith ". . .it seems to me that if we're meant to go on living somewhere else, we ought to learn how to do it the best way here. . .". as i walked along his kitchen, i could see the patterns of his daily rituals, the place where his coffee was made, first thing in the morning, where the cup was washed and dried and put back in the same place. every morning. in my mind's eye, i could see him and i couldn't help but admire his world. it made me think of the small things i do everyday, the things that matter because i do them. and when i go, who will do them? will anyone notice that they no longer are being done?

out back, we went to make friends with lady lenore. really, she just eyed us with great trepidation, especially when seth started shrieking and waving his "sword" at her. as i thought of the small house's recent history, my heart broke for that ugly old sheep, whose bleating was sudden and loud. i think the only person in the world who'd found her beautiful was the same old man who'd made his coffee every morning in the kitchen with tile dating back to the early seventies. without him, i wonder if she felt lost.

the bell from the elementary school. apparently, the owner of sundowne farm worked for the school district for a long time. being one of the original residents of the valley, i imagine this bell meant a lot to him.

pictures from mammoth mountain, when it was only just a mining town. the pictures were dated 1918-1927

with it being the christmas season and my thoughts full of giving and getting and family and hope for the next year, sundowne farm has really stuck with me. all of things that man had, including lady lenore, have remained behind, but the things he kept in his heart, the kind of man he was, the kindness he had, the knowledge, all of that went with him.

perhaps i can take the experience of sundowne farm and carry it with me into the next year; make it count for something. i want to be more forgiving, more kind, laugh more and stress less and create more for me to take along with me when this life of mine ends. those are the things that matter the most anyway, right? the things that i forget the fastest? at the end of the day, i'm not going to want to look at all the photographs i've taken, but all the hours i spent with my babies, the hours that i spent holding ryan's hand.

a confession

i have a confession. i thought i was doing well. i mean, i had put two and two together and it seemed like four was the answer. i was going to sit back, relax, sip some lemonade, catch up on some awesome television shows (glee). . .

i was so wrong. and isn't that just the way it goes? the minute i feel comfortable, something happens that upsets the entire fort i've made for myself. and then i feel humbled, then i have to try and figure it out, then i grow (blah to growing).

i don't know if i'll ever stop growing. that is a thing i am both grateful for and not grateful for.

so my youngest child knocked over the table that had my camera on it, including my good lens, my favorite lens, my 50 mm on it. and when the dust settled, i saw my lens had snapped into two.

i felt awful. i had no money! i had no lens! now i had no way of making money to buy a new lens.

this led to an awful, mad search for a 50mm lens. somehow, i magically managed to get a really good 50mm for less than a hundred dollars about eight months (?) ago. everywhere i looked, i couldn't afford what i saw, everything i bid on i was outbid on. i went to the two camera shops in my town. i started to feel desperate.

the man at the repair shop offered me a 24-85 mm in exchange for my old xt with the broken flash. i had no idea if i was being ripped off. at this point, i almost didn't care. what was i going to do without the lens that i understood, the lens i had learned to shoot manual with? my best lens? so i took the lens home, snapped it on to my camera and took a few pictures.

this lens. this lens is good. let me tell you about this lens: it is wonderful for taking portraits. it is going to improve my work. it is going to help me grow, to see differently.

but it wasn't enough. because i have a fashion show and after party to shoot next week and both are going to be low light situations. and how was i going to shoot those well without a good, fast lens? so i started to stress. i thought about selling my kit lens and using the money to buy a new 50mm. really, i think, i wanted my security blankee of a lens back in my life. if all else failed, i could put that baby on and create the pictures i knew how to create. i went to the camera store in town and told them my situation. i looked at some rental places online. i thought about getting a flash, a thought that made me sick to my stomach. how was i going to learn a flash, be comfortable with a flash by the time this fashion show turns up?

i sold my kit lens in half an hour, took the money to the local camera store, talked to them long and hard and came home with a flash that scared me. i put it on my camera with my new lens and took my first picture.

here's what i learned: i am more than a 50mm lens. i am a photographer. it wasn't my lens that was taking those pictures, it wasn't my camera, it was me. i am the photographer. i fiddled with it, i managed the settings, i pushed the button. and these lenses and flashes and memory cards and batteries? they are just tools.

i am a photographer. and i can do this thing.