a confession

i have a confession. i thought i was doing well. i mean, i had put two and two together and it seemed like four was the answer. i was going to sit back, relax, sip some lemonade, catch up on some awesome television shows (glee). . .

i was so wrong. and isn't that just the way it goes? the minute i feel comfortable, something happens that upsets the entire fort i've made for myself. and then i feel humbled, then i have to try and figure it out, then i grow (blah to growing).

i don't know if i'll ever stop growing. that is a thing i am both grateful for and not grateful for.

so my youngest child knocked over the table that had my camera on it, including my good lens, my favorite lens, my 50 mm on it. and when the dust settled, i saw my lens had snapped into two.

i felt awful. i had no money! i had no lens! now i had no way of making money to buy a new lens.

this led to an awful, mad search for a 50mm lens. somehow, i magically managed to get a really good 50mm for less than a hundred dollars about eight months (?) ago. everywhere i looked, i couldn't afford what i saw, everything i bid on i was outbid on. i went to the two camera shops in my town. i started to feel desperate.

the man at the repair shop offered me a 24-85 mm in exchange for my old xt with the broken flash. i had no idea if i was being ripped off. at this point, i almost didn't care. what was i going to do without the lens that i understood, the lens i had learned to shoot manual with? my best lens? so i took the lens home, snapped it on to my camera and took a few pictures.

this lens. this lens is good. let me tell you about this lens: it is wonderful for taking portraits. it is going to improve my work. it is going to help me grow, to see differently.

but it wasn't enough. because i have a fashion show and after party to shoot next week and both are going to be low light situations. and how was i going to shoot those well without a good, fast lens? so i started to stress. i thought about selling my kit lens and using the money to buy a new 50mm. really, i think, i wanted my security blankee of a lens back in my life. if all else failed, i could put that baby on and create the pictures i knew how to create. i went to the camera store in town and told them my situation. i looked at some rental places online. i thought about getting a flash, a thought that made me sick to my stomach. how was i going to learn a flash, be comfortable with a flash by the time this fashion show turns up?

i sold my kit lens in half an hour, took the money to the local camera store, talked to them long and hard and came home with a flash that scared me. i put it on my camera with my new lens and took my first picture.

here's what i learned: i am more than a 50mm lens. i am a photographer. it wasn't my lens that was taking those pictures, it wasn't my camera, it was me. i am the photographer. i fiddled with it, i managed the settings, i pushed the button. and these lenses and flashes and memory cards and batteries? they are just tools.

i am a photographer. and i can do this thing.